*Trigger warning*
*Trigger Warning*
5 days. That seems like so little time yet it seems like a lifetime doesn’t it? 5 days ago my life changed again. We miscarried at 8 weeks 5 days this time. It came as a shock to me, not realizing that even after having two healthy babies I could possibly miscarry again. Well I did, and it broke my heart all over again. I tried everything to suppress the pain, the trauma and the heartache that I knew was coming. You can try your hardest to accept it, you can try and ignore it, you can try to pretend like you are ok. But in actuality you get reminded about your miscarriage at times that you don’t want to grieve. In public, with loved ones, with your children. Try as you might you end up breaking even more. Then the tears come all the time. Even after the first day you are reminded that life moves on and it is so unfair that yours hasn’t. You sit there and watch life pass by. You sit there and watch as everyone lives their lives, and all you can do is choke back your tears and pretend like in this moment you are listening that you are ok, when in fact you just want to curl up into a hole and wither away so the pain can’t get you.
When I first started spotting I didn’t panic like I normally do. Instead I told myself I would be ok. My midwives told me it could be implantation bleeding so there is still hope. Only deep down I knew exactly what was happening, yet I tried to carry on with my normal life. 4 days of bleeding that wasn’t yet worrisome. 4 days of visiting people, doing my errands and trying to keep my mind off what was coming. Maybe that was my mistake this time around. I wasn’t giving myself time to start the grievance process. The night that I miscarried we waited 3 and a half hours in emerg to never be seen by a doctor, but instead to miscarry in the hospital toilet and go home. Second time this has happened to me, and it is mortifying and traumatic to say the least. I think I was in a state of shock for the next three days, because I hardly cried at all. But how can you when you have two little sets of eyes that are also hurting from the loss? You can’t just sit there and let your heart hurt and heal right in front of them. It was bad enough that my five year old cried himself into a puddle in my lap, I couldn’t add to their sadness.
For the next three days I suppressed my feelings. I hardly cried, if at all. I drank at night, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with anything. Only, that didn’t help me, it made things worse. I knew it was all going to escape in a huge grieving mess, but I needed more time to feel normal. I sat waiting for my midwife to give me a shot of Winrho in the Second Cup parking lot on day three. This was the first time I was actually alone since it happened. When she phoned and told me that I am actually rh+ and didn’t need the shot, I hung up and the tears started to flow. I tried so hard to ignore the heartache but it only lasted ten minutes and I pulled over and cried. Finally I was able to grieve without little eyes watching me, without anyone trying to console me or find words that couldn’t make me feel better. I sat there so helpless for what felt like a lifetime. I was left to feel all of my heartache and sadness that should have escaped me that first day. In a way I am so thankful my sister took my boys that day, because being alone finally allowed me to process what happened.
How am I doing now, 5 days later? About the same I was doing before. Struggling for air and feeling like waves have hit me over and over again and they just keep on coming. I wake up each morning feeling so hungover from the sadness. Grieving that little one that we were all so excited to meet. I know God has a plan for me and I know I will be ok, but for now, I am not ok and I don’t know when I will feel that little slice of normalcy again. This time my support system has been amazing and I truly appreciate all the love and support.
For anyone struggling during their own season of loss, know that I am so very sorry that you have to go through this. So much love is sent your way.
